Musings of a Dead Parrot

If you enter a term into the search box at google.com and hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button, you are immediately taken the url that is the #1 ranked site for that term. #1 ranking is determined by Google's proprietary method.

When you enter "miserable failure" and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky," where would you expect to be taken? Maybe the Stanford football page? The Britney Spears World's Best Mom page? No, you go to this url - http://www.whitehouse.gov/president/

No editorial comment needed. It's not a political statement - that's just what the numbers say!

A video tour of the Cal Berkeley campus - http://www.stanford.edu/~whaas/

I may be an old fogie whose memory fails him at times, but let me start with some history. The Bowl Coalition (the predecessor to the BCS) was organized to address two issues:

• Bowl committees were cutting deals with teams beginning in October in some instances to play in their games. This was viewed as unfairly locking some teams out of potentially attractive bowls and favoring the "big name" pedigree schools who could bring lots of fans whether their team was deserving or not.
• Teams ranked #2, #3 or #4 felt like they deserved a shot to play #1 in a bowl game but often #1 was contractually committed to play in a bowl vs. a lesser team.

1994 was the year that drove the formation of the Bowl Alliance and the BCS. Penn State had a terrific team and beat #12 Oregon in the Rose Bowl. They finished the year undefeated. But Nebraska won the national championship after edging #3 Miami in the Orange Bowl. The fan and media pressure to avoid these situations in the future was so intense that the the Fiesta, Orange and Sugar Bowls agreed to the Bowl Alliance, a more formal arrangement than its predecessor. The champions of the ACC, Big East, Big 8/Big 12/Southwest Conference and SEC committed their champions to play in one of the Alliance Bowls. Notre Dame also agreed to participate if selected.

The big problem was that the Rose Bowl and the Big 10 and Pac 10 conferences refused to go along. This situation again precipitated a crisis year in 1998 when Michigan finished the season undefeated but only split the national championship with undefeated Nebraska. After that, the Big 10 and Pac 10 and Rose Bowl sold their souls to the devil so that they were not cut out of the big TV money. They joined the other conferences and the BCS was formed.

We have now had eight years of this arrangement. How has it fared? In my estimation, it has done just what it set out to do. First of all, bowl committees no longer cut separate deals with teams because of conference contractual tie ins. Fans of certain conferences (like the Pac 10) might decry the crappy bowl games their teams can play in, but that is outside the scope of this discussion. Fans might also wonder why there are so many crappy bowl games to play in, but the NCAA's questionable approval of 32 (!!) bowl games is outside the scope of this note as well.

The big question is how the BCS has done in matching up a worthy opponent against the consensus #1 team. Again, the results are pretty good. Of the eight years, I can identify two years when better teams could have been matched against the top squad. In 2003, USC should have played LSU rather than Oklahoma. Oklahoma was a worthy adversary, but they did not earn their way into that game after getting thrashed by Kansas State in the Big 12 Championship game. In 2001, Nebraska had no business being in the Rose Bowl vs. Miami after Colorado stomped all over the Huskers 62-36 in the Big 12 Championship game. Oregon earned that spot.

Six years good, two years questionable? I can live with that. I kind of like the controversy of the off years. The biggest weakness in the BCS is that it does not ensure good match ups in the non-championship games. If I am the BCS Czar, I throw out all automatic conference qualifiers and give the eight spots to the top eight teams in the country. Boise State? Louisville? All welcome. No special preferences for Notre Dame. If three of the top teams in the country come from the same conference, so be it. They deserve a rewarding bowl vs. another really good team, not some trip to the Motor City Bowl in Detroit.

Finally, a Big 10-Pac 10 match up in the Rose Bowl should occur EVERY year. Screw the BCS. Rose Bowl tradition trumps it.

Notice that I said nothing about a playoff. I am 100% anti-playoff. It has nothing to do with "time away from class." Divisions I-AA, II and III get along just fine with 14 or 15 game seasons. My negative feelings about a college football playoff are entirely emotional and based on tradition. March Madness? A special, unique tradition. The College World Series at Rosenblatt Stadium in Omaha? A special, unique tradition. I just have no desire to watch college football morph into the NFL.

Edward Bulwer-Lytton began his 1830 novel Paul Clifford with the now-famous line, "It was a dark and stormy night." In this spirit, the Bulwer-Lytton Prize is annually awarded for the worst conceivable opening line for a novel. There are many worthy nominations and some really hysterical winners. Below are two of my favorites. You can read more at http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/lyttony.htm

"She wasn't really my type, a hard-looking but untalented reporter from the local cat box liner, but the first second that the third-rate representative of the fourth estate cracked open a new fifth of old Scotch, my sixth sense said seventh heaven was as close as an eighth note from Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, so, nervous as a tenth grader drowning in eleventh-hour cramming for a physics exam, I swept her into my longing arms, and, humming 'The Twelfth of Never,' I got lucky on Friday the thirteenth." -Wm. W. "Buddy" Ocheltree, Port Townsend, WA, 1993

As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual. -Dan McKay, Fargo, ND, 2005

When I die, I want someone to use this as a script for my funeral. They are the perfect words for a fan of the Dead Parrot sketch and for someone who will certainly go before he has had enough fun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsHk9WC7fnQ