Friday, June 30, 2006
Where in the world is Matt?
Whether you are a true world traveller or just one of the armchair variety, you have to love these videos. The fact that over 1 million people have watched some random guy from Connecticut dance (some might say "flail") in 30 or 40 countries speaks to the power of a simple idea with universal appeal and global high speed technology.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNF_P281Uu4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WmMcqp670s
His website is at http://wherethehellismatt.com
The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page. ~St. Augustine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNF_P281Uu4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WmMcqp670s
His website is at http://wherethehellismatt.com
The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page. ~St. Augustine
Which is funnier - truth or fiction?
You decide -
Fiction - http://snltranscripts.jt.org/94/94apeniscream.phtml
Fact - http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2004-06-25-judge-conduct_x.htm
Update - Judge Thompson was just convicted of indecent exposure - http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2006-06-30-judge-exposed_x.htm
It is said that he will receive a stiff sentence.
Fiction - http://snltranscripts.jt.org/94/94apeniscream.phtml
Fact - http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2004-06-25-judge-conduct_x.htm
Update - Judge Thompson was just convicted of indecent exposure - http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2006-06-30-judge-exposed_x.htm
It is said that he will receive a stiff sentence.
Friday, June 16, 2006
10 Things I Know About God That No One Else Does
10 Things I Know About God That No One Else Does (inspired by Carl Reiner)
- You are closer to Him outdoors among the grasses, trees, streams, animals, boulders, orangutangs, fruit bats, etc. than you are reading any religious text
- He thinks freckles are cool
- After many years on the golf course, he still fights a hook
- He thinks that the first human to eat an oyster or a banana was very brave indeed
- He tries to see the best in the people he meets
- He prefers uphill to downhill
- He loves any food with tomatoes, garlic and olive oil
- He thinks that puppy, mellifluous and serendipity are the best English words to say out loud
- He thinks that dogs kick butt over cats
- He believes that Dwight Garner was down
How do I know these things about God? Because he made me in his image.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
With thanks and credit to Chuck Taggert on the Gumbo pages (http://www.gumbopages.com)
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and
with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please
indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Ann Landers
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Palmistry
___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
___ Self-help books
___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Bill Clinton
___ Tea leaves
___ EST
___ CompuServe
___ Mantras
___ Jimmy Swaggert
___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
___ Human sacrifice
___ Pyramids
___ Wandering in a desert
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ Barney Fife
___ Other:___________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
**********************************************
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by December 31 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of beings entered.)
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and
with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please
indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Ann Landers
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Palmistry
___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
___ Self-help books
___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Bill Clinton
___ Tea leaves
___ EST
___ CompuServe
___ Mantras
___ Jimmy Swaggert
___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
___ Human sacrifice
___ Pyramids
___ Wandering in a desert
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ Barney Fife
___ Other:___________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
**********************************************
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by December 31 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of beings entered.)
6/6/06 Karma
On 6/6/06, I did not rent The Omen, Rosemary's Baby and The Exorcist. I did not bet online that the world would end (10-1 odds). I did not listen to Ann Coulter rant on The Today Show about the 9/11 widows (certainly a sign of the decline of western civilization). Rather, I went to Dodger Stadium. If the world was going to end, this would certainly be a nice place to spend my last moments.
I am no fan of the LA Dodgers (I have rooted for the St. Louis Cardinals since I was 6). But I love the experience of watching games at the Stadium. The setting in Chavez Ravine is sublime, especially on a temperate late spring evening like the one we enjoyed on Tuesday. If you sit behind home, you have a view of green hills and palm trees when you look beyond the outfield. The scenery changes colors too as the sun sets in the early innings. LA is a city of great outdoor spaces where residents from across the city mingle - the Santa Monica Mountains, Venice Boardwalk, the Strand, the Hollywood Bowl, the Santa Monica Pier, the Rose Bowl. Dodger Stadium is right there as an egalitarian civic jewel.
But Tuesday night was extra special. Not only was it 6/6/06, but the starting pitchers, Pedro Martinez and Derek Lowe, are former teammates on the Boston Red Sox. Another former Red Sox teammate, Nomar Garciaparra, is now the Dodgers leading hitter. The Dodger manager is Grady Little who pulled Pedro in the 7th game of the 2003 League Championship Series and allegedly cost the Sox a trip to the World Series. I bought the tickets a month ago with no idea that it would have so many interesting, intersecting story lines. As Bill Simmons wrote on espn.com, "On the Creepy/Improbable/Déjà Vu Scale, this was like President Bush crashing a book signing for the author of 'My Pet Goat.'"
In the end the Dodgers scored six runs in the sixth inning (eerie, huh?) to win 8-5. And the world survived the potentially apocalyptic day. The LA Times totally ignored the ball game's back story but fortunately Bill Simmons did not. All I can add to his essay is, "what he said."
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/060607
I am no fan of the LA Dodgers (I have rooted for the St. Louis Cardinals since I was 6). But I love the experience of watching games at the Stadium. The setting in Chavez Ravine is sublime, especially on a temperate late spring evening like the one we enjoyed on Tuesday. If you sit behind home, you have a view of green hills and palm trees when you look beyond the outfield. The scenery changes colors too as the sun sets in the early innings. LA is a city of great outdoor spaces where residents from across the city mingle - the Santa Monica Mountains, Venice Boardwalk, the Strand, the Hollywood Bowl, the Santa Monica Pier, the Rose Bowl. Dodger Stadium is right there as an egalitarian civic jewel.
But Tuesday night was extra special. Not only was it 6/6/06, but the starting pitchers, Pedro Martinez and Derek Lowe, are former teammates on the Boston Red Sox. Another former Red Sox teammate, Nomar Garciaparra, is now the Dodgers leading hitter. The Dodger manager is Grady Little who pulled Pedro in the 7th game of the 2003 League Championship Series and allegedly cost the Sox a trip to the World Series. I bought the tickets a month ago with no idea that it would have so many interesting, intersecting story lines. As Bill Simmons wrote on espn.com, "On the Creepy/Improbable/Déjà Vu Scale, this was like President Bush crashing a book signing for the author of 'My Pet Goat.'"
In the end the Dodgers scored six runs in the sixth inning (eerie, huh?) to win 8-5. And the world survived the potentially apocalyptic day. The LA Times totally ignored the ball game's back story but fortunately Bill Simmons did not. All I can add to his essay is, "what he said."
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/060607
