Musings of a Dead Parrot

I was home in Bartlesville a month ago and Mom pulled out an envelope of things from my early years that she wanted me to have. Baby books. Report cards and papers she saved. Pictures. And several letters. One from Grandpa to Mom when I was born. One from Grandpa to Dad.
And the following letter from my dear, wonderful Aunt Betsy (then in college) to Baby May. It is now one of my most treasured memories.

In case no one has told you you're a boy and that means a special ceremony at your birth. I wished to write this in poetry, but I'm not the proper poet to tell you some of the things you're in for.

Your folks and grandfolks will probably laugh at your young Aunt Betts for writing to you in honor of this special day. You see I'm not the most Jewish of girls. But I thought that now is the proper time to let you in on a few of the experiences you will be having from now on. No one told me and I must say that although I love surprises I never expected life to be what it is. I know that the orientation of the angels seemed pretty complete but honestly, they leave out so much. You remember what they told you at language camp. Well forget it. People will think you're much more intelligent if your first word is in French or Italian. The French babies are really smart. Too bad you didn't get a chance to really meet them. Well anyway, when you first begin walking wait til there is a big crowd of people. Make kind of a big production of it. Parents get terribly excited about that first step.

When you advance in years, skin those knees. Play hard and always be a good guy with a hint of mischief. Girls go crazy over a guy like that. Believe me, cause I'm a girl.

When your folks start spelling or talking in pig latin, don't let on that you know exactly what they're saying. More fun that way.

When you get to school, be sure to get into activities but study hard. Don't be bothered with a lot of petty nonsense about how all round guy does everything. Just have a good sense of humor, be a good sportsman, be a semi-scholar, be suave and debonair, be patient with your parents when they appear backward (I don't think they will too much). You know - just be one of those ordinary outstanding Bartlesville Mays. Take after your Dad and your Mom and you've got it made.

Maybe I'm telling you too much. You should have a few surprises left though. Like someone sticking you with a pin at diaper changing time. The angels forgot that one, didn't they. Well see ya around the campus old man.